Love and pain

Under the dazzling light, in between sweet sounds of laughter, the romantic music starts and the boy who has been looking at you for a while asks for the dance. You feel little hesitated for a while then once you hold his hand and look into his twinkling eyes, you start moving with the music into the fairy tale. You start smiling then he blushes looking at you and smiles. Then both of you realize, it is the chance you have been waiting for to fall in love …. in love with each other. This is how love story starts in the stories and for the reality it’s never gonna happen at least not in my life coz who likes going in those parties? Those loud sounds and the strangers, just thinking about them gets my nerve. But I can’t find any excuses to avoid the party that has been set for the reunion of high school after five years. And the one asking me to go is my bff so how could anyone avoid??

It’s the reunion party but everywhere I see is strangers then I remember I could count the one I talked in high school in my fingers.. its nothing for me to get surprised. Thinking about high school how can one forget the first day, the very first day? And how could one forget the special moment when you look in the door of the classroom and a boy enters with the crazy smile and the blue hypnotizing eyes. You stare for a while and before you realize you have a crush on him. At least this was what happened to me. I don’t know what Ritu, aka Ritika, my bff remembers. Wait where is she?? She was here along with me. Not again!! I don’t like being left in this crowd especially when she is the reason I tagged along ……. well not totally…

Am I hearing something??

“Niva….NIVA!!” Oh who is calling me?

“Why are you not answering?”

"Am I supposed to know this guy? Oh wait Ritu is by his side that means I should know him." I thought.
“Sorry! Aayaan, you know how Niva is, always lost in her thoughts.”
"Thanks a lot Ritu for saving me. You are so great. I will remember to thank you later." I reminded myself.

“Hi! Aayan, How are you? What you doing these days?”

“You never forget how to be formal. “

“Jeez! You do know to annoy me.”

“Niva you know, you don’t need to be so…..”

“boring? .. Am I right Aayaan?”

“Not you too Ritu”

“Well this brings back memories, what say Ritu?”

“This definitely does. By the way where is Nimesh? Aayan.” 

Well that is name I haven’t heard for a while though we four used to be a group. And this wasn’t the name of person I was hoping to see today. Who I am kidding with?

“You know how Nimesh hates going to those parties.”

“I definitely do. These two Niva and Aayan are similar to some extent.”

“Oh! Please don’t compare me with him.”

“Enough talks. What about dance?”

“Why not Ritu? But what about Niva?”

“Please go. If that means silence for a while I don’t mind it.”

With giggles and funny faces they go for the dance and I sit alone looking at them and remembering the name ……Nimesh. We talked to each other first in the physics lab for the first time. I remember that day crystal clear. We were assigned as lab partner. That was the happiest moment for me thus so far. Who would be so lucky to be assigned with one’s crush? I prayed a little. I could see his smile from near now. Well.. it was the first time he extended his hand for hand shake and asked for my name. I could die from the butterflies in my stomach. I kept my cool and answered with firm hand shake. We talked for a while and found out a lot in common. I was so surprised that we, handsome extrovert and dumb looking introvert, have so much in common. From that day onward he was all the reason for my smile, for my reason to attend classes, for all the things I did and didn’t consciously or unconsciously. We talked for hours and hours in classes or home, online or on phone. I missed every moment we were apart. My days were much brighter. All the things seemed happy and colorful. I realized how one could fall again and again much deeper each time in love with same person. So for next step I decided to propose him. So I collected all my nerves and decided to say those magical words on the valentine day.

It was the day I was waiting for. I was too nervous but guess what, he asked me to go out for lunch. Yippee! I could tell him about my feelings in the lunch time. I was looking for food to order when he mentioned that how he hated those stereotypes about valentine day. "Opps! This might not be my day then" ,I realized. As we talked about all the valentine day specials and couples, he let it out “See for example, Even if I loved Ritika I would never ask her in this day to go out with me.”

“Oh no … this is not happening. My love loves my bff. What do I do? ......Keep yourself together Niva. You are strong. Continue the conversation Niva. You can do it.” my inner voice tried to help me. 

“So how come you never told me?”

“Well, you see, ….”

“What excuses are you going to make?”

“You know how people talk like nothing is kept secrets between bffs.”

“You are right but how can you believe in stereotypes? I would have kept that secret since you are my best friend too.”

“Sorry! Niva.”

“No worries but in return, you should go and tell your feelings.”

“Wait Niva, what are you saying? Don’t let him go like this.” My mind shouted out loud but I couldn’t follow it… I didn’t know what I was saying. 

“But Niva I want to know about her first and let her know about me.”

“Then leave it to me Nimesh.”

“You are such a darling.”

So starting next day we talked even more coz he wanted to get close with Ritu and I could help him.

“So what are you thinking?”

I snapped out of my flash back. … Am I really looking at him or is it just my illusion??

“Are you so deep in you thought that you don’t hear me?” 

It is real. I am not day dreaming.

 “Who could have thought you would be in the party, Nimesh?”

“Same goes for you.”

“You do remember what I hate?” I ask with little surprise. 

“Isn't that normal for high school best buddies?”

“It sure is. But are you sure you think our relation that way?”

“Even after this five years gap, we are still best buddies, aren’t we?”

“Yes, if you think so.” ,I replied with little hesitation.

He offers me a glass of wine and sits beside me. We both stay silent.

Looking at his face I remember the love I felt for him and the pain that followed. The sleepless night and the pillow full of tears were my daily routine. As I had realized the eyes I thought that were looking for me were actually for Ritu sitting beside me. The pain I felt I could share to no one as I was trying to shorten their distances and they were the only person in my life I could share my feelings with. It took no time to get them close all thanks to my hard work. And me on the other hand had to I put on the mask of happiness in front of my friends so they would not find what was inside my mind. The love I felt and the love he felt were totally different that left me totally devastated. I had never felt such pain. All that left  emptiness in my life. It was all like a play to me: smiling and making happy faces but the pain inside was killing me slowly and slowly. I could never put those pains in words and the guiltiness I felt for feeling pain in the happiness of my two best friends. When they started getting closer I thought about distancing myself but to my surprise he started it first. He started ignoring me and now he still calls me his best buddy. What a …

“So am I loosing you again Niva?” he interrupted.

“Haha, nope, actually I was thinking I never asked you about her reply?”

“Well, I never proposed her.”

“What? You didn’t? But that was the plan all along to propose her on the last day of high school. Don’t lie. Come on! Tell me.”

“I am telling the truth.”

“Are you really? That is quite surprising. What happened?”

“Well I wasn’t actually in love with her.”

“Say what?” My minds shouted. 

“Are you for real? And what about my hard work?”

“Sorry but I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“I guess I could forgive you if you tell me who were you in love with?”

“You.....” he mumbled. 

“What! Speak in a way I can hear.”

“You have sure become so demanding.”

“Sorry that I wanted to know more about you.”

“Hey I didn’t mean like that Niva….”

“Hey Nimesh wanna join me for a dance?” Ritu interrupted our conversation. 

“If its Ritu who is asking then who can deny?” 

“You don’t have to flatter me.”

“But seriously, you look amazing tonight.”

“I always do, don’t I?”

“Who can win argument with you?”

“Were we arguing?”

Along with those chit chats they go for the dance. And I sit alone looking at them and thinking why aren’t they together. They look so amazing together and I worked so hard to make them close. But at the end they aren’t even in a relation. I can still remember the phase of pain that I went through. It took time to get over but I finally did it, did I? I still don’t have answer to the question. I don’t feel pain now but there were not a single day in those five years that I hadn’t missed him. And I felt guilty for feeling pain in their happiness but who knew they weren’t even together. I had cut all my ties with high school friends and had gone abroad for further studies. It has been only a week since my return and who would have told me about those stuffs. But still who can I blame for not voicing out my feelings. 

“It was a tiring day I guess I should leave.” I whispered to Ritu who just came to rest after the dance. 

“Come, stay for a while at least until this song ends.”

“I don’t think I can Ritu.”

The music starts. 

“This is your favorite one.” Ritu tries to tempt me.

“Don’t trouble her much Ritu. Let her go.”

“Thanks Nimesh.”

“Why don’t I drop you home?” Nimesh offers me.

“It’s not necessary Nimesh. I can just reach by walking.”

“Then I will accompany you by walking.”

“Sure why not.”

“Why is this guy being weird? Anyway I will soon be out of this party.” I thought to myself.

We walked out and it was beautiful night and could hear the song ‘it’s a beautiful night, looking …..’. I chuckled at the coincidence. He started humming the song with the beautiful smile which had made me fall in love. "Not again. I don’t want to go through that again." ,I shouted loud at back of my head.

Then suddenly he asks me “Do you really want to know with whom I was in love with?”

“Oh come on I want to know.” I reply with much excitement.

He stays silent for a while but I could not. I want to know who she was.

“Is she someone I know?”

He gives me puzzle look and nods.

I could almost laugh looking at his sweet innocent reaction. 

“If you really want to tell me just do it.”

He gets all nervous. And I remember how much I adore his diversity of sweet expressions.

Then he stands still and mumbles something.

“Are you really that nervous just thinking about her?”

He gives me this cheerful look and kneel down and pull out a ring from his pocket and sings ‘oh baby I wanna marry you’ along with the background music from the party.

“Is it for real?” My inner voice shouts.

I ask him “Is it some kind of joke?”

He replies with nervousness “You know I was in love with you from the day we talked at physics lab. Do you remember?”

“No, this is not happening. He is lying .....he has to. All those year of pain and sacrifices were nothing but just my illusion.” My inner voice gets stronger.

Unable to calm myself I slap him hard.

He gets totally confused. Then still kneeling down he says, “I have made many mistakes, lied a lot to you and created confusions. Even though I hated stereotypes I was gonna propose you at that valentine day but you mistook me for loving Ritika and I thought it was best not to correct you as I never wanted our friendship to be over.”

“And what made you think like that?” Tears flow through my eyes. 

“I never consider you would accept me.”

“Then why are you doing it now?” With a bit of anger I ask. 

“I was never suitable for you. I had to work hard to be fit for amazing girl like you. Before I realized it was too late and I had to at least voice out my feeling once or I could never forgive myself. You might not know but it’s very painful to hide those things.” 

“Seriously what are you talking? I might not know…” My mind goes on rampage.

“Oh! You have no idea … what I have gone through.” I speak out loud.

“Are you in love with someone? Oh no .....I might have been late. Sorry but I had to tell you what I have in my mind.” With troublesome look he tries to stand up but before he does I put on the ring and tell him, “Yes I am in love. I have been in love with this stupid boy since the very first day of my high school. And I think we both have more things in common than we realized.”

He remembers something and frowns for a while and then with the sparkling eyes and the sweetest smile, in his calming sound he tells me, “I am really sorry for the past but from today onward l will always treasure you.”